Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months
How did you learn about it?: My husband announced he was going on a business trip with some work associates to Amsterdam. He has never travelled abroad for work before. He started acting very 'off' before he went. I was not happy about the trip at all and decided to follow him via his phone on an app. I discovered he was at a sex club. A few days later he admitted he had been intimate with a prostitute. A whole group of men went to a brothel. He had drunk huge amounts of alcohol (he has since admitted he is an alcoholic). He has a chronic heart problem and was on the verge of a break down. He claims this is the worst mistake of his life!
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Distraught, disgusted, utterly broken and ashamed. My whole life fell apart.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I have lost a lot of weight. My sleeping has improved but was terrible. I suffer with anxiety and stress.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: We are going to see a counsellor weekly that has been a huge help. I keep as busy as I can with kids and work. I also take CBD at night to help relax me. Exercise is good. I need constant reassurance and affection from my husband. I am improving but still have weekly melts downs, which are not at all healthy for either of us.
What are your next steps?: My husband has stopped drinking and needs to for our relationship to survive. We will continue counselling for the for seeable future. Trying to get better treatment for my husband's mental and physical wellbeing. In time I would like to renew our vows (when I feel ready). He has ceased all contact with work associates. I need to get myself stronger in all ways. We hope to be able to ride the storm.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Devastated, broken, dirty
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Initially make sure you are not alone. Do not make any hasty decisions. Try to eat and sleep. Lots of deep breathing and warm baths. Avoid alcohol.
What else would you like to share?: When you have been with someone for a very long time you have a huge history together. In my case there were many complex jigsaw parts to the infidelity that led my husband down a very destructive path. I am deeply scarred by his actions and it will take a long time if ever to get over it. However we are now trying a new chapter. Based on love and trust. He is absolutely distraught over this and is doing everything in his power to win me back.