Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: It was 2013. I walked in on my best friend and partner of 10 years in bed together.
I have that image of their naked bodies burnt in my minds eye.
My 'friend' was staying with us for the weekend - we were going to celebrate her sisters birthday. My partner was going to take the kids away skiing for the weekend with his ex-wife. We'd all been up late chatting and I eventually went to bed, leaving them to stay up and finish the wine... When my partner hadn't come to bed by 2.30am, I went back down stairs to find him having sex, with her in the guest bedroom.
I was just upstairs! They thought they could get away with it, while I slept. How comfortable and confident they were about doing it while I was in the house, never really sunk in until much later.
Over the next 72 hours I learnt that 'IT' had been going on for a year and half... My world collapsed, completely. Within a couple of weeks I had to pack up my life of 10 years and move out. I was an emotional wreck for two years, couldn't stop crying as the images would flash across the screen of my mind. Going over and over various conversations, piecing together the lies and feeling, so angry, helpless, hopeless, useless... along with a relentless feeling of nausea.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was in shock after seeing them, I didn't get angry due to the shock. I simply couldn't compute what had happened. I also thought it was just a drunken mistake and that we'd get over it. My partner slept on the sofa for the remaining hours of the night, and 'she' stayed in the guest bedroom. I remember there being a howling storm and rationalised we could resolve things in the morning. I couldn't sleep. As soon as it was light I went out to walk the dog and bought them back coffee each. Shock is a strange thing. The next 72 hours we the most unbearable. I remember being alone in the house and sat staring out the window until it got dark. I was numb and felt like I was in a living nightmare.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Its been 6 years now and I'm so much happier. Through a lot of work on self, it has empowered me.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I lost a lot of weight at the time, from emotional stress and an inability to cope. I was put on sleeping pills which helped me get through the night, but it only made the mornings worse, waking up and realising I had to get through another day. I wish I'd been able to speak with someone who could have given me some practical advise. Being alone in my head was like a form of torture.
What are your next steps?: As a result of what happened to me I began to work on myself and manage my emotions. I got trained as a developmental coach and I now help women going through the same thing. So I've turned it all around. I've made the nightmare become my strength. The image of them together, in my mind, no longer makes me feel sick. I wish no one had to go through the intensity of that heartache and emotional pain, but it has made me what I am today and I am grateful for that.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?:responsible
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Get help - speak to someone, get it out of your head and give it a voice. Make an effort not to be alone too much of the time.
What else would you like to share?: