the scar on my back
ive felt it when i would think about it.
in denial i was. "she wouldn't do that to me."
i knew her for six years, she was like a sister to me.
he hurt me, my ex-boyfriend, mentally and she knew about it.
they soon became very close, closer than he ever wanted to be with me.
his reason for dating me was, "because you were depressed."
when he broke up with me he said, "i never felt nothing for you, i stopped liking you a month ago." it wasn't fair for me because as time passed i was liking him more and more, without knowing that he was feeling the complete opposite.
it was 3am, he knew how terribly depressed and alone i was. he broke up with through text at that moment. his reason was that he didn't want to break up with me in person because he thought I would punch him.
why would he say that? im not that person, im not brutal, im not the person he thinks i am. i told him that he is hurting me, he said "eat ice cream, doesn't that help with break ups?"
oh how naive he was, how naive he wanted to be when it was convenient for him. he broke me, just like that. words hurt more, they penetrate your memory sensor and makes itself at home.
the worst of it all, i gave him my flower out of lust and nothing to feel.
she knew all of this.
a year later, i forgave him for all of it. that's when my best friend and him got really close, that's where i continue with the explanation of how i began.
it never crossed my head that they would be together, she wouldn't do that to me.
she wouldn't let a guy come between our friendship.
so i let the thought go.
senior year was about to finish, excited to spend the last months of it before we head off to college.
however on april, she confesses that they both like each other and they are just waiting for my approval.
they set me in the middle, they made me determine the should or shouldn't.
how was that fair for me?
oh i was completely sad and broken.
he did it again.
i knew how much it would hurt me seeing my virgin best friend go out with the guy who triggered my depression.
she was a virgin, everywhere.
lips. cheeks. tongue. relationship.
i was always excited to know who her first was going to be. oh how does life work?
however i set all those painful feelings aside and became the bigger person.
i let them date because i wanted her to be happy, even when i knew how much it hurts me.
couple weeks later i became sad, super sad. depressed sad.
that i would play sad songs, and go to my front lawn to cry my eyeballs out. i just didn't want no one to hear my sadness.
one night i was begging the hurting to stop, it was 3 am and i was kneeling to a tree at my front lawn, when out of nowhere some guy yells something im unable to hear. i slowly approach him believing the worst of him, he proved me wrong, he said, "everything will be okay. " oh how many pieces of me he healed just by saying that. i was weak and scared.
i told her this, my hurting never stopped her dating him.
one day i broke, actually i completely shattered. i couldn't do it, i told her how much it hurt.
she asked me "do you want me to break up with him? " oh how much I did wanted her to chose me, but i just didn't want her to make a choice that was mine. so I distanced myself away from her because of him. how much it hurt.
i just wanted her to chose me.
never happened. this went on and off even when in college. them going to the same college made it worse. there's so much to this.
all i can finalize this is.
it's been more than a year, and it still hurts.
it will always hurt.
she hurt me.
but most of all, i hurt myself everytime i let this get to me.
and they lived happily every after. and me, im here just writing mournful poems and short stories about it.