Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: In 2017, he started telling me that he no longer wanted to be married and wanted to get away from me. This was out of the blue. I checked his phone records and found two numbers that he called often. I did a reverse look-up and was able to put names to the numbers. I found every bit of information about the two women and learned one was a relative of his best friend. The other was in another state. Then he started taking weekend trips without me. Wouldn’t even tell me where he was going. So, I left work early on the Friday he was to leave and I followed him. He (we, separately) drove three hours to another state to meet up with this woman at a hotel. I watched them from across the street and took pictures of them together. I did this for three weekends straight before I confronted him. He denied everything. I haven’t told him that I have pictures. We’re still together, but I went through his phone and found out he’s watching porn! We have had sex less than 10 times in five years.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt betrayed, hurt, shame, angry, and sad. Now, five years later I feel unwanted, ugly, and lonely. I take medicine for major depression and l talk to a therapist. I seldom have good days.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I sleep more. I’d rather sleep than be awake thinking about his bad decisions.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Pretend and no, it’s not working. I never fully got over finding out about the other women. Now that I know he’s watching porn, I’m seeing a therapist to help me sort my thoughts so I can make a decision to stay or leave.
What are your next steps?: To heal. I’m going to continue therapy. I’m learning more about who I am and what I’m capable of doing. Slow, but steady progress.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Heartbroken
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I’m not in a position to give advice yet.
What else would you like to share?: I’m 50 and he is 52. We have been together 28 years.