Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I had some suspicions over the years but because a guy I dated long ago reached out to me, kept trying to "see me", I deflected it, I started suspecting my husband's on-line time. Being IT and Facebook savvy I knew the key was his account. One morning, I woke up and the heavily guarded laptop was exposed. I looked and saw the messages.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Now, I am healing, then I was livid. Recall "Stella Got Her Grove Back", his stuff ended up thrown out of the house and if I had lighter fluid they would have been toast. He tried damage control and gaslighting me for the next 9 months. Three therapists later, he finally is evolving.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I had a hard time sleeping, hard time eating, I didn't eat for almost three weeks. Lost about 30 pounds. I also started to do ME and discvered not only was a perimetapausal, I had an underactive thyroid that needed treatment.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I went to therapy, I kept a journal. But truly here, the emotions? Very had to keep in check when he kept lying and gaslighting me.
What are your next steps?: We are healing. Not an excuse but a reason was his immaturity and past sexual abuse was realized by him and to hide his feelings, he did what he did. He never actually had sex with anyone but he was unfaithful.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?: Disrespected, helpless, fear
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: If the WS wants to stay, they must do a massive amount of work, as the BS, you need to seak therpy too.
What else would you like to share?: Not all are redeemable. I knew that in the beginning. At points I was about to file for divorce. My husband has had an uphill battle to gain trust and connection back. Long ago, if you had asked me if he would have ever done this, I would have said he wouldn't and he had been told it was a deal-breaker with me. He had gradually become a very different person over a period of time. Intense therapy that he has underwent and communication improvement has brought me to the point of considering forgiveness. I'm still working on that.