Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days
How did you learn about it?: I discovered my partner had an account on a fetish website. I went on the site and found photos of my partner having sex with an older women. The photos were very graphic and painful to view. I also saw messages the two had wrote back and forth that helped determine when the affair started. After seeing the photos i also realised the women he was cheating with had come to our home previously, but my partner pretended he didnt know her.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt so embarrassed, betrayed, humiliated, and broken. I also felt extremely angry. He allowed this women to come to our home. I felt like they were both laughing behind my back. Enjoying the fact they were able to deceive me and parade the affair infront of me without my knowledge. I felt inadequate. I felt dirty. So very dirty because this women was obviously extremely promiscuous and my partner didnt use protection. I was devastated. I felt like my life was being altered. I knew from that moment on things would never be the same.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At first i was so upset that i couldnt eat, wouldnt sleep. Ever time i closed my eyes i would see those photos of the two having sex. It hurt, i would cry at times and be completely disgusted others. I didnt feel like doing the normal day to day chores. I let the house get in disarray
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Right now, nothing. Im just dealing with it. Trying to process what happened, why it happened, and where our relationship goes from here. At times im fine, but sometimes the hurt and images come back. The deep seated feeling of betrayal creeps back up and i feel devastated again. I know time will help, but im still not sure if our relationship can recover. I resent him now.
What are your next steps?: My next steps have been deciding if i even want to continue our relationship, if we do - what needs to happen to ensure this doesnt occur again, ways for the two of us to better communicate and for me to learn to trust again, him to earn it, etc for me to get over the shame and embarrassment of being cheated on and knowing i did not cause it to happen in any way
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?:Embarrassed.
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Really look at your relationship and whether its worth saving. Asking yourself if this is something you may/may not be able to get over and forgive
What else would you like to share?: What my partner did was horrible, despicable, and crushing but we still loved each other and both wanted to try and mend our relationship. We knew it was gonna take a lot of work to rebuild the trust that was lost and to heal the betrayal i felt and resent towards him for cheating but we're determined to give it a try.