fifty-eight (58)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: I just felt it. I knew something had happened but I wouldnt/couldnt accept it at the time. I believed in him and I could never imagine treating anyone like that so I thought it was just me being insecure untrusting jealous...and he used that to make me feel bad about questioning him. I finally got some back bone after 20 years of bullshit and stood my ground..I tricked him into telling on himself or he never would have told me

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: It has been 2 years now. I still cry everyday. I almost passed out from the shock. I swear it has been the most devastating thing I've ever been through. To find out your whole life has been a lie. The only person I trusted was violating me in the most disgusting vile personal way imaginable. I went crazy for a minute. Screaming crying ect. Then just numb for a few days. The rage I just cant seem to shake off. And I dont mean anger. I mean pure blinding rage from the sheer injustice of it all...and over shadowing it all is a deep and profound sadness...its turned the edges of everything grey. Like part of my soul has died.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 50lbs in a month. I sleep maybe 4 hours a night and I have developed some anxiety related habits..cant be still, rocking back and forth to self soothe, distrustful of everyone hypervigilant short tempered I cant hardly make myself eat and meat taste funny to me now..dont know why though..

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I read everything I can on betrayal and dealing with it. I try hard not to let what has happened to me keep me from being me. I dont have any real friends I feel I can trust so I have joined online groups to talk about my issues. It helps just getting it out there and being heard. No one can fix me but me.

What are your next steps?: I see divorce on the horizon...I am afraid but I am strong. I will be okay and I did a great job raising 2 wonderful human beings. They gave and will continue to always come first. I am making sure they will be protected and ready mentally and emotionally for the breaking apart of me and their father everything else doesnt matter to me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: It is not the betrayed persons fault. Dont waste your time trying to fix something you didnt break. Ignore all that reconciliation bullshit out there and cut the cheater loose asap save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy. Your relationship is over once trust is gone.

What else would you like to share?: They need to start teaching a course in the schools about family dynamics and what infidelity in any relationships leads to. It could make the victims of this abuse less likely to be victimized and maybe stop potential abusers before they start down that road. There needs to be an awareness that this is abuse and not something to be hidden away but openly talked about.

fifty-seven (57)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: A group text message sent from anonymous person. The group text included him and 7 other women besides myself basically saying to all meet since we were all sleeping with the same man. Then one of the women called me (it was stated in the message my number and that I was his girlfriend) then the next day another woman reached out to me and told me she actually had known about me.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was and still am hurt. I ask myself what I didn’t do or did do that made him do this even though he’s told me it was nothing I did or didn’t do. I feel like the whole past year has been a lie. Idk what to believe really anymore.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Before I knew I had a feeling something was up just had no clue the extent of how bad it was. I was not eating my hair was falling out I couldn’t hardly sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Reading as much as I can and trying to focus on myself

What are your next steps?: Finding a support group for myself and couples therapy with him.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Can’t think of any

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Be very careful with who you tell

What else would you like to share?:

fifty-six (56)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: He backed up his iPhone to my computer because he got a new one and I used software to recover all his deleted texts. Before that though I found many conversations with escorts and Craigslist hookups.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was extremely angry because he had been trying to make me think I was crazy and gaslighting me beyond belief. Then I felt sick to my stomach after I read the extent ofwhat hehad been doing to me. Then I felt like nothing I thought was reality was true. I couldnt believe anything or anyone and everyone was out to hurt me or trick me.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I was not able to sleep for a very long time because of nightmares. I am better now but still cannot sleep well.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I use a support group on Reddit, which be ridicules me for being a part of. Beyond that nothing. I am utterly alone besides him.

What are your next steps?: I've asked and begged for him to be transparent with me. He refuses. So I cannot trust him. He saw another escort 6 months later that I know of off sure, so I really really can't trust him. My next step is to leave. Heobviously doesn't care about me or what I need for trust and healing.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: Numb

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: To leave the first time you catch them and don't look back.

What else would you like to share?: That's it.

submission fifty-five (55)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I learned about it through one of the higher ups at my company. My partner at the time had been caught by the cameras in our break room having relations with my former best friend and coworker months prior. Just so happened that this manager had been looking through old footage for something unrelated and stumbled upon that.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am feeling ok about it all now, but I am a much different and less trusting person than I was then. I thought that I had been jaded by life before, but I feel a lot more cynical now. At the time, it was earth shattering. Everything stopped when I saw the video, and I immediately confronted them in person. I want to say that I felt strong in those moments, but I didn't. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my adult life and I didn't eat for almost a week afterwords.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At the time I didn't sleep well if at all, I almost stopped eating entirely as well for a long time.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've since moved on and have a new partner and they help a lot, but that doesn't change my overall cynicism. Fortunately I do actually trust this new partner and am happy that I no longer have to live a life always wondering if they're doing something behind my back. I suggest giving yourself some time to grieve and then getting back to old hobbies, and if you're up to it seeing some people (while being upfront about your past). It can help to get away from toxic people and see the world for what it is.

What are your next steps?: None at this point. I am over my ex, but I would be lying if I said I feel completely ok with what happened because I do not. While I have moved past the initial emotional trauma and grief, I still have many financial and social struggles that resulted directly from the actions of those people in my past and I still actively hate them for what they did to me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Suicidal thoughts, worthlessness.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Move on. Don't give them a second chance, they will not change--they will just get better at cheating. I gave my previous partner many chances when I caught him on dating sites and all it did was escalated years later when I least expected it. I could have saved myself a lot of time and misery by just ending it when he was mentally straying. Living a life of paranoia isn't worth it.

What else would you like to share?: These events will have changed you drastically, whether they be for the better or worse just know this--it was not your fault and they're the ones with deficiencies. They will try and play the victim, or even the hero, but deep down they know they are not. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THEM. If you didn't cheat then there's a chance you will find someone who respects you and your relationship as well. You are worth it.

submission fifty-four (54)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Behavioral changes. No reciprocating. Emotional neglect. Hiding phone. Half confession from pAP. Denial Denial Denial. 2 years later same shitty behavior but things are either on hiatus or further underground. The redflags continue.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Depressed, anxious, suicidal, alone, unheard, misunderstood, unwanted, unloved, used, betrayed and trapped.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Emotional wreck.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Meds. Aren't working.

What are your next steps?: I don't know

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:suicidal,

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I don't know. Right now I can't

What else would you like to share?: Keep the hope alive.

submission fifty-three (53)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: Something didnt feel right so I snooped her FB message. He visited house "as a friend" before so I know him. Turned out when we went to his house for dinner (after me hosting his worthless ass) Shed already been there that day. Eating sausage.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I died inside. Still feel dead, except when rage takes hold.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Hard to do anything. No pleasure. I just count the seconds...

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I masturbate too much. I flirt with homosexuality. I eat. I get fatter. I used to be cute, but now I'm a fatty.

What are your next steps?: Wonder when I will die of shame.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Rage

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I outed him on a homewrecker website. I dont regret it...

What else would you like to share?: I never had violent dreams before. Not like I do now.

submission fifty-two (52)

Title: 52 at time of betrayal, 32 years married

Your Story: First you should know - I already have PTSD from an abusive childhood. I moved out when I was 16, lived on my own and with friends, managed to finish school and when I met my spouse I was so sure he was my rock.
At times I’d have suspicions something was off, we’d end up in MC where I would be told it was my fault. 
I wasn’t enough, I was blah blah blah - always me being bad, not good enough, not loving enough, etc.

What I discovered 1 and 1/2 years ago was my spouse had an affair. He lied, told me it was one night, and it was over. I ended up in the ER
I spent 3 1/2 weeks being gaslit, told I was crazy, that he “chose” me.
he was coming home and saying she was trying to talk to him, and he refused, In reality the night I was in the ER he called her and told her he loved her. The Dr only let him take me home “if he removed all the meds”. He did not.
We went to a MC who told me “he isn’t lying to you! I’m the expert” when I told her I felt something was still going on.
After 3 1/2 weeks of being gaslight, not eating (I lost 40 lbs) I made an appt with a psychiatrist. I truly thought I was crazy. Instead he told me the truth, he’d still “been talking to her”. I made him call her - and after he listened to her screaming at me, throwing him under the bus (it was not 1 night) I could see his eyes open. It was too late, I experienced such extreme trauma I lost my memory of most of that day.
I left him though.
After I left he continued therapy, refused contact with her.
She stalked him for months - he regrets any and all contact and is terrified of her.

After he continued in therapy I came home to go to therapy myself. My new therapist had him do a polygraph, and I told him if he told me the truth before the polygraph I would stay for a time.

So remember all those times I felt something was off - each of those times coincided with an emotional affair, a sexting affair, an online affair.

I ended up leaving again. My trauma from all that gaslighting, trickle truth, all off - some serious PTSD.

We live together still, he’s been they several therapists, until he’s settled with a CSAT I trust. I’ve had some serious betrayal trauma just from bad therapists. One actually told him he didn’t have to tell me the truth, yet, when I was asking him why he was lying to me.

Finally some months ago he has come completely clean, my gut has been right every time, his new therapist told him he’s an idiot for lying to me- and my therapist has taught me to set boundaries, trust my gut. I have begun EMDR.

He has been diagnosed with SA, and has been working through his trauma. As I see him learn and change I’m beginning to see the man I married.

I actually feel our relationship is the most authentic it’s ever been, but truthfully, I’m not sure I can forgive him.  
I do know I’m coming out of this stronger. That girl who survived on her own at 16 will survive on her own at 53.

submission fifty-one (51)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: It's been the entire 20 years I was told it was my fault laird to told that doesn't mean anything....I hate failure I faught hard til a year ago and realized it's not me it's you. I finally moved out a month ago things are hard I feel I'm the one being punished. He got a promotion the kids want to stay with him because they feel he is more powerful.
But I have my peace and freedom there is so much more

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Soul crushing

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes I take 7 pills a day

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Not really

What are your next steps?: I need a better job n car

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Wanted to die

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Idk

What else would you like to share?: I need a human to hug me

submission fifty (50)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: He admitted it to me

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel physically ill now and when I found out 
I am shell shocked 
And hurt and betrayed

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I am trying to get exercise when I can 
Its challenging because I need a babysitter for me to go out and walk or run

What are your next steps?: I'm going to talk to legal aid and get some advice 
I am planning on getting a sitter for a few days after work a week so I an excercise

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Rely on the supports that you have in this situation. Be open and honest about how you were feeling with those close to you so they can understand how to best support you

What else would you like to share?:

submission forty-nine (49)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: Told the family on my birthday

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Hurt betrayed

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: No still in same house

What are your next steps?: One day at time

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: No contact

What else would you like to share?: Can never trust her again