Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days
How did you learn about it?: He only admitted it when he called me after three weeks of total silence to try to manipulate me into having an abortion.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel empty. So confused. Like a total fool. Worthless. Dumb. Disposable. Used. Like I am less than nothing. I can't reconcile the man I dated and loved...the one who claimed to love me above everything and anything in this world with the man I now know him to be. A married man. A liar. A con man. A gutless coward.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I can't sleep anymore. I don't eat or drink. I actually just got released from the hospital today because my body has quite literally begun to shut down and I was at risk of organ failure.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I try to avoid any reminders or memories of Alex. I do all I can to avoid thinking about him at all. But there are reminders everywhere and I cannot escape the fact that he existed. At present, I am quite literally killing myself unintentionally with my coping mechanisms (or the total lack thereof)
What are your next steps?: I cannot see that far ahead. I do my best to keep existing. One long drawn out moment to thw next. But I am quite certain that this will be the death of me.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?: Numb, dead inside, hopeless, unlovable, unable to continue
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: What advice could one have for how to handle a total miscarriage of their own heart?
What else would you like to share?: I will share it all. The texts. The photos, the emails, the phone calls towards the end, which were actually recorded. Every bloodsoaked scrap that remains of us. The visceral and the most genuine and raw moments of it all.